Gene Genie

Robert performed genetic engineering and succeeded in creating a parrot with suckers on its feet, enabling it to climb up walls. This seemed like a good idea at the time, but the evolutionary advantage this gave the parrot and its many descendants soon led to humanity being supplanted as the dominant species on Earth. Driven out of the cities by the superior fighting ability of wall-climbing parrots, the entire human race was forced to set up home in the small Lincolnshire village of Herman’s Bum. Overcrowding was a problem.

Fortunately, Robert was still alive, and he quickly set to work genetically engineering a passing rabbit until its burrowing capacity was enhanced by a factor of ten. Soon enough, it had dug a large enough warren for every human being on Earth to have their own reasonably-sized accommodation under the ground, where the parrots’ sucker-feet would be hindered by the loose earth of which the walls were composed.

All was well for a short time, until the super-rabbit reproduced and its descendants burrowed to such an extent that they hollowed out the entire planet, leaving nothing but the surface. Humanity in its entirety was thus left rattling around inside the
globe in a way reminiscent of a handful of peanuts that have somehow been put inside a football. Dissatisfaction was rampant.

It was suggested to Robert, in a way that included obscenities, that instead of genetically modifying animals so as to make them better than human beings and bringing about the ruin of the planet, he might try his hand at performing genetic engineering on himself and either solving the planet’s problems or killing himself in the attempt. Either resolution, it was observed, would be a benefit to society in general.

Undaunted by his increasing unpopularity among all but his closest friends, Robert did genetic modification on himself until he had gained the ability to walk through walls. Because this made him better than the parrots, which could only climb up walls, he was able to return to the surface and install himself as unquestioned king of the planet, ruling with an iron fist over parrots, humans and rabbits alike. This, he maintained for the remainder of his natural life, conclusively proved that, despite what people say, genetic engineering is great.