News in brief

In what has been hailed as a remarkable scientific advance, technology has been developed enabling horses to communicate with chickens. The device, which looks like a cross between a gramophone and an unusually hairy woodlouse, translates the horse's whinnies and body language into a combination of clucks, foot-scratches, pecking and so forth easily comprehended by a chicken. The scientists responsible for the new invention are now working on their next project - a similar apparatus which will allow the chickens to reply. After that, they might work on a way for humans to work out what the horses and chickens are saying.

Another scandal has engulfed the world of athletics after an Olympic gold-medal-winner tested positive for spinach. American runner Jack Mercer had been hailed as a hero after setting a new world-record time for the 100m sprint of three and a half seconds, a feat made even more remarkable by the fact that his feet had been glued to the starting blocks by an unknown miscreant, but has now been stripped of his medal and banned for life. "I yam disgustipated wit' myself," he told reporters.

A mass murderer has been unexpectedly acquitted due to some legal technicality. Raymond Roland had cheerfully confessed to killing upwards of three thousand people over a busy six-week period in 2005, and had been expecting a life sentence. But for some reason it became legally necessary for the judge to dismiss the case and set Roland free. "It was some kind of thing to do with some old law, I think," observed Mr Justice Puckles. "It's unfortunate, seeing as the man in question has every intention of going out and killing more people, but that's the law."

And finally, the fire brigade were called out to the village hall in Manchester this morning - not because of a fire, but because the town clerk had dialled the wrong number when ordering a pizza. Because the fire brigade are not allowed to leave a building without extinguishing a fire, the entire Blue Watch had to sit in reception for three hours while the staff searched for a match or cigarette lighter. During this time, six million people perished in a major conflagration in the building next door.