Friday, December 14, 2007

Coventry Ikea

The Ikea store in Coventry is larger than most, being a vast underground complex spanning the whole of the city and parts of the surrounding countryside, plus a small, cramped tunnel leading all the way to Belfast. The complex was built as a result of a mix-up on the part of the architects who redesigned the town hall after the Gulf War - their blueprints got mixed up with a picture one of them had drawn of a revolutionary new hamster habitat he was planning to build. It would have been a terrible hamster habitat, being several hundred square miles of empty cavern, but it made a passable Ikea once a few shelves and tills had been fitted and the hamsters that had quickly colonised the place had been put to work providing electricity by running around on little treadmills.

The real problem with the store is that although it is located directly underneath the car park in Coventry, it is only accessible by means of the small, cramped tunnel from Belfast, there being no other access point. Customers are therefore faced with difficulty in leaving the store with their purchases and staff, given the difficulty of entering and leaving the store, spend their entire lives in the gloomy caverns and have evolved, over the course of the three years the store has been open, into a race of mole-like beings, two feet tall, with no eyes and worm-like appendages that sometimes alarm small children.

On the other hand, it's better than the Tesco in Coventry, which has slippery floors.

4 comments:

Ace* said...

Sometimes I worry about you my friend

Zoomy said...

It's Crispy's fault. There we were, talking about the new Alvin and the Chipmunks movie like perfectly normal people, and I said that maybe for tonight's blog entry I should denounce CGI chipmunks, she suggested instead that I could write about Coventry Ikea, I said that I didn't know anything about Coventry Ikea and would have to make something up, and, well, here you have it.

Sometimes I worry about me too.

Anonymous said...

Rather imaginative , could start an urban myth about tunnels under the store. They could connect to the river (sherbourne) ....urban exploring.

SamT said...

fancy blaming poor inocent Crispy!!
I mean she wouldn't lead you astray, lol.