How do you eat yours?

The correct way to eat gingerbread men is to bite their heads off first. It's vitally important to make sure you kill them with the first bite, so that they don't suffer unduly. I felt it was necessary to publicly point this out, because I've been hearing people advocating other means of eating the things which I think are frankly sadistic. Anyone who starts with the toes and works their way up is a horrible, horrible person.

I've just been re-reading my old sitcom, "Sitcom", that I wrote years ago and occasionally forced people to read. I also made a couple of attempts to persuade people to put it on TV, but it never worked out (although I did exchange emails with a guy at Channel 4 for some time about the possibility, and not just with me saying 'oh, go on' and him saying 'no, stop emailing me' either). Even reading it now I think it's occasionally funny. I was thinking that I might try to rework it as a webcomic, since I'm reading so many of them lately and always wanted to write one. Or maybe even make it into a webcartoon, if that's a word. It would be a fun kind of exercise to develop some artistic ability. Here's a scene from episode 11, which I don't think I ever finished writing and so probably didn't show to even my long-suffering readers:

Everybody is sitting around in the living room. Dean is in his usual armchair, watching television, Rufus is in the other armchair reading a book entitled “I Hate Everybody”, by Rufus Hemingway, Cecil is dressed as a boxer, shadow-boxing and skipping around in the way he imagines boxers do when they’re training for a fight, and Adolf and Celia are sitting on beanbags, playing ‘Guess Who’. Celia is extremely pregnant. There is a bizarre humming noise in the background.

ADOLF
Is it Herman?

CELIA
No. Is it Claire?

ADOLF
No. Is it Richard?

CELIA
No. Is it Michael?

ADOLF
No. Is it Herman?

CELIA
No. Is it Michael?

CECIL
You’re not playing it right.

EVERYBODY
Shut up, Cecil.

RUFUS
What the bleeding heck is making that humming noise?

ADOLF
Not me. Probably a dog.

RUFUS
Dogs don’t hum. You’re thinking of hummingbirds.

ADOLF
Well, maybe it’s a hummingbird.

RUFUS
Don’t be stupid. Anyway, since you’re talking to me, even though I told you not to, I suppose I should make some polite conversation. What are you going to call the baby?

CELIA
We’re not quite sure yet. I think I’m going to call it Captain Invincible, if it’s a boy, and Captain Invulnerable if it’s a girl. Adolf’s going to call it Boris.

ADOLF
No, I’ve changed my mind again since I said that. I think I might call it Ferdinand, after my brother.

CECIL
Your brother’s called Godris.

CELIA
Shut it, Cecil. Nobody asked you.

ADOLF
Maybe I’ll just pick a name at random out of our book of baby names.

CELIA
Well, make sure it really is a book of baby names, and not a dictionary. That’s the kind of thinking that led to our previous four children being called Satisfactory, Burlesque, Artichoke and Artichoke Two.

ADOLF
Well, it’s hardly my fault that the book came open at the same page twice. You keep opening it at that page to look up the word ‘artisan’, because you think it’s rude.

CELIA
It is. The dictionary’s got it wrong. I keep writing to them and telling them to change it, but they haven’t yet.

CECIL
Wait a minute. You’ve got four children already?

ADOLF
Yes. Hadn’t you noticed?

Rufus, Adolf, Celia and Dean all point and laugh at Cecil, saying things like “What an idiot!” for quite a long time.

CECIL
But you only got married last year!

CELIA
Well, it’s not like we’d never met each other before our wedding day. We’ve known each other for years.

RUFUS
Oh, is Satisfactory Fortescue your son? The one who works at the pig factory, with green hair, a tattoo of Cliff Richard on his nose and blue eyes?

ADOLF
No, that’s the other Satisfactory Fortescue from the pig factory. Our son’s got brown eyes.

RUFUS
Oh yes, I think I’ve seen him around. Fat, isn’t he?

ADOLF
Yes. We’re always making fun of him about it.

CECIL
Hang on, how old are your children?

CELIA
Twenty-four, nineteen, fourteen and eight.

CECIL
What? But… I mean… I’m only thirty-six, and you’re a year younger than me, so…

ADOLF
Isn’t Cecil an idiot, everyone?

Everyone points and laughs at Cecil for another long time. Godris enters, and joins in. Then he leaves again.

RUFUS
That humming noise is really getting annoying. I think it’s coming from outside.

Rufus gets up, and goes outside. Everyone else sits in silence, looking at the door. The humming noise gets louder.

CELIA
He’s only made it louder.

ADOLF
I’ll go and sort it out.

Adolf goes outside. The humming noise stops immediately. Adolf and Rufus come back in and sit down again.

ADOLF
Is it Herman?

CELIA
No. Is it Claire?

RUFUS
Oh, get out of my house, the lot of you!