I am the music man, I come from down your way

I'm endeavouring to learn how to play the piano. I have tried before, several times, but this time I'm taking a different approach from my usual tactic (find a piece of music I'd really like to be able to play, sit down with it and try to work out how to play it, fail to do so, give up) - I've got a book. I don't think it's a particularly good book (Piano For Dummies), but playing through the exercises in it might at least get my fingers nimble enough to cope with a concerto or two.

If I have the patience to learn how to memorise thirty packs of cards in an hour, surely I can find the time and inclination to sit down and play scales until I can do it right? Dominic O'Brien can play the piano, after all, so logically I should be able to play it even better than him. Learning the guitar is also high on my list of priorities, but that's a bit more difficult to get started on - I've got a clever electric keyboard with headphones so nobody can hear what I'm playing on it, whereas if I got a guitar, all my neighbours would be able to hear me mangling it while learning to pluck and strum. And I'm not sure I like the idea of other people hearing me play an instrument, at least not until I'm the best player of it in the entire universe. This attitude is of course why I picked a silent hobby like memorising things.

I also need to learn to play something obscure and classical, so that I can join an orchestra. It'll need to be an instrument that nobody else plays, of course, so that even if I'm not very good at it, the orchestra boss (I also need to learn the proper terminology for these things) will say "well, we need a Venezuelan nose-flute for this performance and you're the only person in the world who can play one (since very few people are prepared to have the necessary nostril enhancement surgery) so you get the job. Go and sit next to the bassoons."