Fame

Would anyone be interested in a Best Of Zoomy DVD? I got a copy of my Richard and Judy appearance in the post today, which I can add to my collection along with The Mentalists, The Memory Chimp and my starring turn on Blue Peter. As soon as I get round to finding an envelope, I'm going to send them to Raggs, who said he'll make copies for anyone who wants one. I know I could do it myself, or make them into torrents and upload them to the internet, if I was a) technically competent and b) not lazy, but this is the only way it's going to get done, believe me.

Anyway, I've done nothing today, no book-writing or anything, so go ahead and shun me. Going down to Cambridge tomorrow, and I think the book's going to still be not-quite-finished by then, but never mind. Who cares about deadlines, eh?

Conundrum

Great episode of Torchwood tonight. The basic plot was basically stolen wholesale from an old Star Trek episode, but the way it was done was very clever and different.

And speaking of remaking classic TV, I did have a friendly chat with the ITV people about documentarising me again, in a subtly different kind of way to The Mentalists. I must be mad. It was annoying enough the first time round.

I'm very disappointed with myself

I had plans for this blog entry tonight. It was going to be titled "Procrastinate? Me?", and then it was going to say "I drew a funny comic, look:", followed by a funny comic. And then I was going to say "Don't worry, I also wrote lots and lots of my book, too. It's nearly finished now."

But what I've actually done all day is non-stop book writing. I didn't have time to draw any silly pictures or anything. It's terrible, it's like I'm a real writer or something. I'm sure it won't last. Especially since it really is nearly finished now.

Well, I've got ITV people coming round tomorrow to talk about another TV show - something about genius, and whether it can be taught. They quite like my approach of saying 'anyone who calls me a genius is obviously a very stupid person' while still bigging up all the genius-like things I do. That always plays well, for some reason. I must have a real genius for coming across as a nice guy.

Spring has sprung!

What a lovely day! All sunny and warm and springy! So, since I woke up with a rotten cold and a headache, I thought a good long cycle ride would help me feel better. I toured all the local villages for a couple of hours, ending up at Elvaston Castle and generally enjoying the charms of nature. Didn't make me feel any better though - now I've got a rotten cold, a headache and stiff knees. I think I'll just go back to bed.

Deadlines! Really this time!

Okay, so last week, when I thought I didn't have any plans, it turned out I had lots of plans that took up practically all of my time. But THIS week, I really don't have any urgent appointments, and so I am really, definitely going to finish my book. Before Friday, when I go down to Cambridge for the weekend's othello tournament. And if I don't, well, then you should refrain from talking to me until I do finish the thing. Send me to Coventry, unless you're one of my friends who live in Coventry, in which case send me somewhere else of your choice.

Or, if you're one of my friends whom I don't like, talk to me more than you usually do, to punish me for my laziness.

Hartlepool Romance

"Lady Hortensia," said the man in the chip shop, "always a pleasure to see you here. I was terribly sorry to hear about your husband. To be sucked into the workings of a street-cleaning machine and torn to ribbons alongside an assortment of damp crisp packets and fallen leaves is probably the worst way a man can die."

"Indeed," said Lady Hortensia. "My husband, of course, was shot dead by a bank robber during a bungled heist, and didn't die in the way you describe at all."

"Yes, I was trying to comfort you with the knowledge that it could have been very much worse," said the man. "Three white pudding suppers as usual?"

"I hardly think it would be appropriate," said Lady Hortensia, icily. "What with my husband dying and that escaped zebra not yet having been recaptured."

"Oh, hadn't you heard? They caught the zebra yesterday. It's back in the box now," said the man in the chip shop's civil partner from the back room.

"Oh," said Lady Hortensia. "I hadn't heard. My husband was always the one who kept track of the status of escaped animals. Dear me, I never considered how inconvenient it would be to be a widow. Will you marry me?"

"No," said the man in the chip shop. "Here are your pudden suppers, perhaps if you take them to Hartlepool and eat them, a passing man will feel sorry for you and propose marriage."

"It's worth a try, I suppose," said Lady Hortensia. She took the newspaper-wrapped revolting suet-based concotions and greasy chips and jumped on board a passing stagecoach bound for Hartlepool.

"Get the bleeding heck off my bleeding stagecoach!" the driver screamed, letting go of the reins and allowing the wildebeest to veer off into a cornfield. "There's no food and drink allowed on my bleeding stagecoach! The vermin! The vermin will overwhelm me, lusting for the fallen morsels you drop in your greedy consumption of your bleeding food! Didn't they teach you about bleeding vermin in school? Get off my bleeding stagecoach this minute!"

"Oh, I do apologise," said Lady Hortensia as the stagecoach careered out of control across the fields, mangling corn, scarecrows and hedges alike under its copper wheels, the wildebeest, free from the tyrannical reins that daily compelled them to follow tedious cobbled streets and asphalted motorways, chasing with gay abandon every blackbird, vulture and pine marten they saw, heedless of any obstacles in their path as they dragged the coach ever further away from its destination and ever closer to Scunthorpe. "I only wanted to visit Hartlepool in an attempt to find a husband. I don't suppose you would like to marry me?" she added as an afterthought.

"Okay then," said the driver, picking up the reins and attempting to return to the Hartlepool road. "I'm free next Saturday. Big church wedding, St Paul's Cathedral, eleven o'clock? Cost you a fiver, but buy a ticket to Hartlepool and you get to marry the driver for half price. Special offer."

"Splendid," said Lady Hortensia. "White pudding?"

"Don't mind if I do," said the driver. And thus they departed along the damp and narrow streets. Lo, Hartlepool! Slumbering city of romance and dreams, do you know, as you awaken this damp and gloomy morning that another stagecoach of love wends its way ever nearer to your towering and broken-glass-studded walls? That the magic of love inspired by your founder, Alan Hartlepool, so many years ago still permeates every mention of the fair city's name? Or have you, in your dank streets and crumbling overcrowded tenements, become so accustomed to the happy endings of your every inhabitant and visitor that you no longer register each miraculous romance as a thing of note, but merely an everyday happenstance? Lo, wildebeest, snorting in the stagecoach reins, your momentary freedom forgotten amid the excitement and smells of this familiar town! Lo, Dennis Boggis, sitting unmentioned in the chip shop throughout the duration of this story! Perhaps you yourself will one day visit Hartlepool and realise that your true destiny lies in street-sweeping rather than chartered accountancy when you get your first glance of the filth-ridden streets of the city of love!

Wonderland, wonderland...

I've never been to Sunderland before, although I did write a story involving the place (being blown to atoms) in a previous blog entry. It was nothing personal. The memory demonstration today went really well - just me and James Paterson at this one, but we enthralled and illuminated the audience very nicely, I think.

The guy in charge of this one didn't have a silly name or a connection with obscure comics, but he did come from the Cardiff area, and knows Penarth, where James comes from, very well. Which you wouldn't really expect from a uni up in Sunderland, but then even more funnily, it turned out that another guy there is from Lincolnshire, and even had relatives living in Clinton Park, where I went to primary school! Small world.

Also, getting there was no end of fun. All the trains were cancelled, for no adequately explained reason, and we had to go by a very circuitous route. But never mind, that gave us plenty of time for epic Tetris contests on James's DSs. I'm almost tempted to get one of the things myself...

Bloody idle

I was supposed to clean up my flat today - my brother's coming round on Friday night and unless I clear some floor space, he'll have to sleep on the roof, and I'm going to Sunderland for a memo demo tomorrow and Ascot on Thursday for a meeting with the movers and shakers in the organising-a-schools-memory-competition world - but I didn't. I decided that sitting around on my considerable backside was a more reasonable way to spend the time. But I did give blood today, so that means I'm exempt from any and all criticism about what else I've done. I even multi-tasked - while all my vital fluids were being drained away, I was memorising Sunderland FC's results for the season so far, so as I can impress people with them tomorrow.

I'll just have to clean up on Friday morning. And finish my book - that deadline's looking very unrealistic, since it turned out I'm doing lots and lots of things this week after all. Perhaps I'll beg my imaginary editor for another week's extension.

That's strange...

This morning, while doing a bit of research to fill out the trivia section of How To Be Clever, I established that the second poet to be buried in Poets' Corner (thus turning it into Poets' Corner rather than The Place Where Geoffrey Chaucer Happened To Be Buried Alongside Lots Of Non-Poets) was Edmund Spenser. It struck me that I should really have heard of Edmund Spenser before, but I couldn't remember ever coming across the name. Still, it was nice to add to my general knowledge.

Then, this afternoon, idly browsing an internet forum rather than working on How To Be Clever, I saw someone making a passing reference to Edmund Spenser in an entirely non-poetic discussion. I'm sure I haven't seen that kind of mention before. I suspect he never existed before today, and it's all a big internet conspiracy.

Deadlines

It's about time I set myself some. Or one, anyway. I don't have any plans for next week. Yes, I need to look into getting some kind of job, but that's not an all-day-every-day kind of thing. And if I really knuckle down, I could get How To Be Clever finished in the next week. Making an effort to do that would be so much better than dawdling and not finishing it for years. So that's the plan, and anyone who sees me has to pretend to be my editor and ask me why I haven't finished the book yet.

But don't pretend to be Mr Edwards or any of the other teachers who had the unfortunate job of asking me where my coursework was during my schooldays. I never paid any attention to them. Really, if I do finish this book, it might be the first project I've ever actually finished, winning the World Memory Championship aside. I'm just not much of a finisher.

2003 all over again

I woke up an impressive six minutes before today's online memory challenge was due to start - nobody can really be expected to perform at 8:00 am, can they? So I lost my unbeaten record there. Other than that, very little of interest has happened to me today. I feel like this week I've either been too busy doing stuff to blog about about it, or too inactive to have anything to blog about. Well, that'll change next week. I'll make an effort to do things, but not particularly time-consuming things, and then tell you all about them in detail every evening. Won't that be nice?

Santa Drives A Reliant Robin

Ah, the joys of a day off. It's great not to have to get up early to catch a train to London or Preston. I should do it more often.

Anyway, I've just noticed that tonight on ITV at 10:50 there's a new series called "The Law Of The Playground", in which celebrities reminisce about their schooldays, and that Robert Webb is among the celebrities on this first episode. I don't expect he'll mention me, seeing as he didn't (and still doesn't) know I exist, but it would be fun to see him mention some of the teachers and things from QEGS, such as the school show with the title in the subject header above. I'd watch it, but I don't think I can really be bothered. Lately I've formed the opinion that the only things on telly worth watching are the ones that are about me. Or chimps who are better than me.

Blood and sand

The whole Canadian thing went pretty well today - we filmed it at the Canadian embassy, which was a whole new experience. Does that technically mean that I can add Canada to the list of countries I've visited now?

One thing I haven't mentioned about this busy week is that I postponed an appointment to give blood in order to accommodate Tuesday's madness. So if anyone dies for want of a transfusion of B-positive blood between now and next Tuesday, I really do apologise. My bad. Fame and fortune bring nothing but ill.

But to look on the bright side, I watched EastEnders tonight for the first time in yonks, having heard that it was a 30-minute monologue delivered by Dot, and it was absolutely brilliant! Fantastic work by Tony Jordan, the writer. Everyone who didn't watch it tonight, watch the omnibus on Sunday. Even if you're in a different country. I bet it's on the internet somewhere.

North End

The Preston presentation went pretty well, all in all. All the students (and staff) were hugely in awe of my Blue Peter badge, several of them had seen me on Richard and Judy, none of them were Preston North End fans but they were nonetheless impressed by my ability to remember all their results for the season. A huge audience, few of whom left before the end, and you never know, one or two of them might want to take up memory as a hobby, inspired by how cool we are.

But the coolest thing of all? Well, remember how the last one was organised by Professor Perfect (giggle), who sounds like a character from a comic? This one was ACTUALLY organised by a character from a comic! She's a friend of Bryan Talbot and was the model for a prostitute Helen encounters in "The Tale Of One Bad Rat"! AND she knows Leo Baxendale! I was going to say her real name here, but then it occurred to me that some student of hers might google her some time and spread it all around the university.

I've never met anyone who's actually a character from a comic before! Oh, wait, except that I think Carlos Pacheco drew Kurt Busiek into the background in Avengers Forever, but that doesn't really count. This is the coolest thing ever!

Okay, London again tomorrow, I still need to memorise the 52 greatest Canadians, I'm sure it'll be fun. And after that, I stop doing all this mad memory-related publicity and start being normal again. It'll be a relief.

I got a thank-you card from Richard and Judy

Signed by the joint managing director of their television company.



They also gave me some posh bath salts. I don't own a bath, but I appreciate it.

Thanks for all the comments, everyone! I'm tired and have to be up early tomorrow to go to Preston, so I'll keep this short, but Ace, you're right, I desperately need a haircut and beard trim, but yesterday was so hectic, I couldn't fit it into my busy schedule!

And what's with all the Richard-hate? I think he's a nice guy. Did you know he left school at 16 to pursue a career in journalism?

A triple bill of Zoomy

Stay glued to the telly all day tomorrow, fans. Five News at 11am on channel 5, Richard and Judy at 5pm on channel 4, Extraordinary Animals at 7:30pm back on channel 5 again.

It's been a busy day. I've spent the whole day emailing and phoning about TV shows (not just the ones listed above but also the Canadians I'm seeing on Thursday), memory competitions (Cambridge May 4, Derby May 24-25, let me know if you're interested - entry is free for first-timers, it's a fun day out and there might be prizes) and memory demonstrations (Preston on Wednesday, sandwiched between day trips to London). I'm worn out, and I've got three busy days to come.

One thing I've memorised for these uni demonstrations is all the FA Cup final results in history, and I'm crossing my fingers in hope that Bristol Rovers don't make it to the final this year. The other fifteen clubs still in the competition have all reached the final before, you see, so I won't have to associate new images with them for this year's final. Whereas if Bristol Rovers get to the final, I'll get them all mixed up with Bristol City (who, as any historian or memory expert knows, were runners-up in 1909) and/or Blackburn Rovers (who've been in more finals than I've had hot dinners today).

I use the one of my 2704 regular images that sounds most like each club, you see, so Bristol City are the pop group Bis, and Blackburn Rovers are 'bro', my brother (because Blackpool are the 'back' image, naturally), so I have no idea what image I would use for Bristol Rovers if I had to. Luckily, their chances of reaching the final are basically zero, but it still worries me.

Just enough to give your kids a treat

Did you know that Fry's Turkish Delight has significantly less fat than other chocolate bars? I might have heard it once, but I'd forgotten it when I bought one tonight, and only just remembered. So now I feel good about my low-fat lifestyle. Or I would, if I hadn't also bought a bag of Tangfastics.

The magic of the FA Cup and the internet

I watched Havant & Waterlooville play Liverpool today, thanks to the miracle of streaming video from ESPN's far east broadcasts. If the BBC had had the sense to show the game, I wouldn't have had to, but still, it pleases me to know that there really is no limit to what you can get on the internet if you look hard enough.

It was a great game too - a real who-says-the-magic-is-gone-from-the-F-A-Cup game. Actually, have you ever noticed that nobody ever actually says the magic has gone from the F A Cup, but everybody always makes a point of denying it? It's strange.

And why do I always want to refer to Havant as "Havant & Westfield"? I know the shopping centre in Derby is called the Westfield centre, but I'm sure I know of something with an "and Westfield" suffix, because it just sounds so familiar...

In other news, I'm informed that "Chimp Beats Memory Champion" has made the radio news in Toronto, Canada. It's nice to know that media coverage of all my achievements in the field of memory put together is going to fall far short of all the press I'll get for this thing. I can just tell that "lost to a monkey" is going to become even more widespread than that old chestnut "forgot to set his alarm clock".

And also, while I'm vaguely complaining about things, I've just watched the Friends episode with the following dialogue:

Joey - Why do you call him Gandalf?
Chandler - You know, Gandalf the Wizard!
Joey looks blank.
Chandler - Didn't you read Lord Of The Rings in high school?
Joey - I had sex in high school.

Last time I saw the episode, it was on E4's 5:00pm showing, and they cut out Joey's final line. I've just watched it again at 8:00pm, and that line was still edited out! You can't say 'sex' at 8pm? What is the world coming to?

And if you're going to cut out the punchline, why on earth would you leave the extensive setup intact?

The Book of Heroic Failures

Yes, as several of my readers have noticed, the Daily Mail finally picked up on the man versus monkey memory marvel and ran an article about it today. Channel 5 were supposed to be calling me to get a couple of soundbites to give to them, but either they didn't bother in the end or they didn't manage to catch up with me, so they just used snippets from next Tuesday's documentary. And the Sun ran a similar story by copying what the Mail had written, changing it slightly and passing it off as an original scoop. This is exactly the same thing that they did with an article about me and the world championships last year - I suspect that the Sun no longer employs any actual journalists.

Anyway, this has in turn piqued the interest of Richard and Judy, one of whose minions phoned me this afternoon to say they're thinking of previewing the documentary on next Tuesday's show, and might want me to come on and talk about it. This is interesting, because years ago, when I won the world memory championship, Richard and Judy made noises about wanting to talk to me and then eventually decided against it (possibly bumping me in favour of Aubrey, who was on the show around that time). If they do decide to put me on the show this time round, it will clearly show that losing a rigged contest of short-term memory against a chimpanzee is a much more impressive feat than winning a gruelling three-day memory competition against the rest of the world.

The funny thing is that I find myself making excuses about how I could have done as well as or better than Ayumu in the memory test if I hadn't been doing it for the first time in my life, and if we hadn't been using a flawed program where my hand obscured the numbers because the start button was in the middle of the screen, but when I'm thinking or saying all this, I completely forget that the opponent I'm talking about isn't even human. It's like, say, Daniel Tammet performing some memory feat and claiming that makes him the best in the world - my instinctive reaction is to acknowledge that Ayumu has done something impressive, but assert that I could do the same thing with a bit of work. I'm seeing him as a rival rather than an educated ape, and that really is pretty darn cool.

I look forward to the day when the world memory championship is contested by representatives of multiple species.

Memorable training

I'm really back in the groove of memory practice now - I've been doing lots of speed practice this week, I've created a few new journeys so I don't have to reuse them so often, and I'm going to take a break tomorrow so as to be fresh for some heavy long-discipline practice at the weekend.

This is the kind of routine I can follow when I get a job. Or if I get a job - there's an amazing scarcity of decent jobs in this area right now. Does nobody want a management accountant who's been on the telly? Or at least anybody who doesn't specify extensive experience of standard costing in their job spec? Seriously, who uses standard costing? I thought it was something that only exists in accounting exams! I didn't think it was something you could actually apply to a real company...